I had went home thinking. I didn’t say anything to T-Boy. He had an attitude after I completely shut him down. I had too much going on in my life it felt like. The man that I was in love with wasn’t giving me the time of day and this was all because of one person. This was completely and utterly all because of Quan.
“Who is he?” Khan asked.
I didn’t answer him. I had so much I had to think about. There was so much on my mind that I didn’t even want to deal with him.
“Khan, I don’t feel too well. How about I run to the drug store and see you back at the room a little later.”
“Bullshit, Syn, you aren’t going to any drug store.”
“Oh, did you want anything from the drug store?”
“You are NOT going to the drug store, Syn. Stop ignoring me. Syn you are going to look for trouble. Tell me what you know. You can’t do this all alone Syn, you have to let someone be there for you.”
“You want to be there for me at the drug store?”
“YOU AREN’T going to the drug store, Syn.”
“Ok, I’ll see you when I get from the drug store. I’ll pick you up some M&Ms.”
I found myself standing outside of Sampson’s apartment. Was I stalking him? I was so sure he didn’t want me around. Well, when he knew what the fuck I knew about Quan, it would be all that he’d need to hear.
Things weren’t what they seemed.
I sat there like a damn dark avenger waiting for Sampson to come back. I was camped out for a while actually.
“Sampson says he wants his laptop back,” I heard a voice say.
I turned around to see that I wasn’t alone. It was Quan. He was standing there. His eyes crossed on mine in his quintessential male perfection. He smiled loosely. His entire look seemed rather loose than usual.
“Then why has he been ignoring all my phone calls? Where is he?”
“Tell him I want to talk to him,” I stated.
He laughed. His laughter was very immediate and seemed to last longer than I really assumed at all. He kept laughing almost like I had said something really funny to him. I crossed my arms and looked distant.
“How about no…”
“Guess you don’t want your friend to get his twelve hundred dollar computer back then, huh?” I asked.
He shook his head, “I said he wants it back, I don’t….”
This motherfucker was playing word games with me! He was PLAYING with me altogether. Quan had a smirk on his face that was so damn cocky and full of himself. You would think the world surrounded him or something.
“You are just like her aren’t you?” I asked, “You tricky little bastard. You are tricky, tricky, tricky…aren’t you, you little bastard?”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“Well when he gets here tell him if he doesn’t come get the computer today, he can’t come get it at all. And he knows I’m good for it.”
I had waited that night angrily standing outside. Then finally I get the text message from Sampson talking about his fucking computer. You just break up with me and all you have on your mind is your god damn computer. Was he serious? All the bullshit we’d been through to get together and he did this to me?
I wasn’t alone in the room. He was there with me…Khan that is. Hell, Angelina was in the room as well. They were there…but they weren’t.
I was steaming all alone.
“Has Sampson said anything to you at all?” Angelina said, “I saw him today. He didn’t seem like he just broke up with the love of his life. Like he seemed so…normal?”
“Isn’t love like that?” Khan asked, “Seriously? You think the world of somebody one day and then the next day…nothing.”
He was right.
“Khan, why do you always provoke him?” Angelina continued, “I didn’t mean it like that Syn. Everyone has different ways of dealing with pain.”
“He wants his laptop back,” I finally tell them.
“Who do you think…” I asked, “Look outside the window. I just got a text message.”
Angelina and Khan both went to my bedroom window and looked down. I knew they weren’t surprised when they saw Sampson there. He wasn’t standing there like Romeo, ready to climb up and sneak a final kiss. No. That wasn’t the case at all.
“The man who said he loved me,” I stated coldly and silently my eyes glaring up against the stillness of my heart, “The man who said he never would leave me. He’s gone and the only FUCKING thing he can say is he wants his computer back.”
I can’t believe I’m crying like a loser in front of all these people.
“It’s ok Syn…” I hear Angelina say.
“He’s gesturing to talk to you,” Khan states.
I walk to the window. I look down to see him there. Sampson is standing there alone. He isn’t really saying anything. He is just looking up and he looks kind of patient actually. He crosses his arms and just stares up at me as though patiently waiting for me to get to him.
“You said you wanted to see me?” He called up to my window.
I looked over at Khan and Angelina, “I need a moment.”
Angelina nodded and walked out of the room. Khan walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. He seemed suspicious of leaving me by myself, but hesitantly walked out of the room as well.
I looked back down at Sampson. He seemed impatient, “You wanted to see me, because I need my computer. Like I have some things to do.”
“Sampson why are you being like this? I should be more important than your damn computer. Like you aren’t acting sane right now?”
“Ok Syn, can I just get it?”
“SAMPSON, you aren’t listening to me,” I stated irritated, “I’m here crying my heart out to you and you never listen. Do you even love me anymore?”
“You are creating trouble everywhere? The frats…with Quan…”
“Fuck Quan! You don’t know SHIT about Quan.”
“I know more than you.”
“You sound so ignorant,” I started completely frantic, “Quan is playing you like a puppet to get us apart. And he does it well, because of who his mother is.”
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t even remember? Remember I told you about myself? I told you about Athena. She influenced me you understand. She was my mother’s friend. She was…a character and she was the woman who I looked up to. She changed my life. Athena didn’t have any kids…but she had a nephew…her nephew’s name was Quan.”
“The little boy from your childhood that you grew up with.”
“Yes. When Athena died, Quan moved away. I never saw him again.”
“And there is only one Quan in the world.”
“It is the same Quan damn it.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I fucking know.”
Sampson shook his head, “That is the problem. I’m so sick of it. Syn always has to be right about everything. You have all the answers huh? Well, I’m finally done with it. You know. It finally isn’t all about Syn anymore. It’s about time I stopped having to babysit your ass all the fucking time.”
“You know what? I’m not going to get mad about this,” Sampson stated, “It’s over! Can you just go have a nice life somewhere and give me my computer? That is honestly all that I want from you?”
“Sampson I love you…”
“My computer, Syn, please…”
“Oh you want your fucking computer…here…”
I launched his computer at him. I couldn’t believe what I was doing until I heard the computer break into a million pieces below me. I saw Sampson’s face was in complete shock as he watched his computer be tossed out of the window.
His mouth opened as it broke into pieces.
All I kept thinking was he had done it to the wrong one. He had broke the wrong one’s heart. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me but even this computer wouldn’t be enough. But for right now…it would have to do.
He looked up at me, “Are you serious? You really had to do all that huh?”
“Yes, I did,” I stated. It took everything in me not to call him a bitch.
I shut the window and all I felt was anger. It was unbelievable. Khan and Angelina were looking at me with blank faces. I didn’t look back at them.
“Syn…you…you shouldn’t have,” Angelina stated.
I rolled my eyes at her. I didn’t have time to think about what the hell she had to say or anyone else for that matter. No one could understand my pain. Had she ever had a man go through so much to win her heart just so he could break it? She didn’t understand.
“Well you can go outside and put it back together if you feel bad about it,” I stated, shrugging my shoulders and going to my bed.
“Syn, all I was trying to say…”
“Oh, you still here, Angelina?” I asked, interrupting her mid-sentence and raising my eyebrows as though really surprised she hadn’t gotten the clue to leave in the first place.
She did get the clue this time though.
“It’s wrong,” she stated, leaving the room. I saw Khan chasing her. God knows he probably had a crush on her which is why he always seemed to chase her around all the time.
He walked outside and started to calm her down. I could hear him through the crack of the door, “Don’t take it personal Angelina. He’s just mad you know. He had a right to be.”
She said something after that. I wasn’t sure because by then I just didn’t give a fuck, but I was sure she said something like, “How long are you going to defend him?” or “You need to stop defending him.” Or some shit about defending that really didn’t fucking matter.
A week later and I felt the same. I had text Sampson, apologizing. I wasn’t sorry, but I was apologizing because I wanted him to love me again. I told him I loved him. I told him I just needed him to talk to me and tell me why he decided to do this to me.
He never text me back.
Class just seemed empty even though it was full to capacity. When you have a broken heart it seems all you think about is that person. How could they do that to you? I remembered how happy we were before we came to this fucking school. He had given me promises yo.
I was in Economics looking at these graphs. He had told me he fucking loved me.
“Does anyone have questions about the Nash equilibrium in a prisoner’s dilemma game?” he asked.
I raised my hand.
“Sure, I have a comment.”
The class looked over at me. I hadn’t said a fucking thing the entire semester. Economics just also happened to be one of the bigger classes. It was in an auditorium and I was joined with over 50 other kids.
“Why not tell them this is all bullshit?” I asked him, “Why not tell everyone how much this really means? You study economics and you study these fucking games, but you fail to tell them that this whole fucking system is corrupt. We are all going to graduate and think that our lives are going to be better and for a moment we’ll believe that lie until everything crashes. And everything does always tend to fall down. Everything crashes to rubble. And where the fuck is your economics at the end of all of that?”
He was speechless.
I threw my books at the board.
“Oh you can’t answer that. Then fuck it. I’m not learning this shit.”
I got reaction. I was used to reaction though. I didn’t give a fuck about reaction. Several kids were laughing and other people were on the phone texting their friends at the crazy shit they just saw the crazy boy do. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck that this teacher was probably going to lower my participation to 0 and I would probably end up failing this class.
Sampson wasn’t talking to me.
That was the only thing that mattered.
I found myself walking trying to find a piece of mind. There was nothing that I could do. Quan had done this all to me. I looked down at my phone as I walked out the class. I had a couple calls from Angelina. She was still on her same shit trying to calm me down. I didn’t give a fuck about picking up her phone calls.
She didn’t understand me.
As I walked back to my room to sit in my dark room and just soak in sadness, I found myself bumping into someone right before I entered the building. The person was solid. I fell down to the ground hard, smashing my arm onto the ground.
He looked back at me. It was Porter. He wasn’t alone. He had his little girl next to him. I believe her name was Morgan if I remember correctly.
“Syn, damn man I’m sorry,” he stated, trying to reach down and grab a hold of me.
I pulled away completely almost swinging at him for trying to touch me, “I don’t need your help.”
“Damn boy, I’m just trying to help you out yo,” he replied, putting his hands up in an innocent way.
“Hey I just got a text about you,” Morgan said looking down at me, “I heard you spazzed out in Professor Trependal ’s economics course. Somebody recorded it on their phone and posted it on facebook. That was wicked yo.”
“Oh no, that wasn’t wicked, you want me show you wicked, Miley Cyrus?”
Porter seemed to already know where this was heading, but Morgan didn’t. Morgan was looking at me with this fearless look that I didn’t quite understand. Bitch, didn’t you know I would ruin your life.
“Miley Cyrus?” she stated laughing and raising her eyebrow, “Are you upset? I didn’t do anything to you.”
Oh this bitch was still smiling.
“Morgan, go on to the car ok?” Porter stated.
She shrugged, “I guess.”
It was obvious she felt like she could take me on because she was standing there. I would read her into the ground if she wanted me to. I had no problem with it. I looked back at Porter. He thought he had it all. His long dreds, light skin complexion could get him any Barbie this side of town. And that was exactly what he wanted too.
Porter looked down at me, “Syn, are you ok?”
I looked at him with a hard look, “I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine,” he stated, “I’m worried about you man. Like it seems something completely different in my eyes.”
“Don’t act like you know me.”
I started to walk away but he grabbed me. His arm grabbed me and pulled back kind of hard. He was looking at me hard. I couldn’t stand how he always seemed to want to calm me down.
“Ok, I said I wouldn’t say anything but Angelina’s been worried about you.”
Bitch. She was going around telling people that she’s worried about me like I was some kind of victim. No, I was no one’s victim. I was no one’s fool. They wouldn’t just take me and discuss me. They wouldn’t save me!
“Why are you always grabbing me son, are you a fag?” I asked him.
He looked at me his mouth dropping open, “Are you serious?”
“Yeah. I’m serious. I think you’re a fag Porter and you don’t even know it.”
He let go of me.
“You know what, I guess you don’t want my help. You coming at me with all this and I’m just trying to be your friend. Angelina is just trying to be your friend. You are pushing everyone away.”
“Well Angelina’s a fag too. Bitch you want to have your Titanic moment, you can have it alone.”
“I want to shake the fuck out you right now. You are acting like a fucking idiot.”
Porter was bigger than me. He probably could have shaken me if he wanted to. It would probably be real thick too. It probably would have hurt. A part of me wanted him to shake me. A part of me wanted him to shake me until I forgot about Sampson.
It wouldn’t be that easy though. It would never be that easy.
“So if I’m acting like an idiot, why don’t you just let me?”
He gave me a look. It was a serious look.
Then he turned around and walked away. I could tell he was pissed off. I was really pushing his buttons. I watched him though as he was in his car with that girl. She watched me too. She said something to him but he didn’t reply. She seemed mad at him and he just seemed…mad.
I woke up in a wet sweat. I had a dream that Sampson was talking to me. I had a fucking dream that he came to his senses and had decided to come back to me. We were in a car and I was driving. We were driving to happily ever after. And I stopped for gas. I said, “I’m so glad you decided to come back. Let me just run in and get some gas.” And he smiled and he kissed and nodded. Then when I came back, he was gone.
He left a note saying, “You took too long. Goodbye.”
Would you believe that?
I saw Khan’s bathroom stuff on the side of his bed. I was sure he had just gotten out of the shower and was probably in the bathroom or something. I figured I would tell him about the dream. He’d laugh.
I looked on Facebook. My video was definitely posted on a couple people’s pages. It was posted on my profile by Dani. She had “LOL…feeling like a crazy moment…chew it over with a Twix.”
“Oh bitch you want to play,” I stated staring darts into the screen.
I watched Khan come back into the room. He was completely dressed. He looked nice actually. I closed the computer just as he walked in.
“Nothing. Where you going looking nice?”
He didn’t really look nice. I was just saying it because it was awkward and I felt like being a little fake. He kind of just looked plain really, but speaking for Khan that was nice I guess. He even reached over his bed and sprayed come cologne on.
“No where, just um…out.”
Suspicious I could see it on his face.
“Like a date?”
“No…um…a couple of other people are coming too.”
“Just out going to do some stuff, you know.”
“Oh ok, how about I come with you,” I stated, “I need some fresh air. I need to get out of this house.”
“You aren’t even dressed Syn.”
“It’ll just take me a second damn…”
“Um…well it’s invite only event type thing.”
“I’m not sure. But I know it’s invite only. Sorry Syn.”
He was lying. He knew what it was. I nodded my head though and watched as he walked out and closed the door behind him. I walked to the door, sneakily.
I let the door open slowly as I peaked outside and looked down the hall. It was him, Angelina and not just a few kids, but damn near EVERYONE on the goddam floor. Oh wow…
I heard them talking.
“Did he notice you?” someone had asked Khan.
He just shook his head and they walked down the staircase.
Just as they walked down, I saw Porter come out of his room. He was alone. I was completely surprised he was alone actually but he definitely looked like he was going out. He had a fresh black blazer on, some true religion jeans that fit him perfectly and a diesel watch around his wrist that looked like it was worth a grip.
“Are you spying on me?” he stated noticing me somehow.
He turned to look at me right after. I had to admit he was fresh. I hated it because it reminded me of how simple Sampson was. He hated to get all done up like that, but I seemed to like his simplicity.
“Porter, I’m not trying to argue with you.”
He took a step forward, “Good, cause I was never trying to argue with you. Like Syn, you are super cool, but you know how to say some things that hurt.”
Cry me a fucking river.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“Dani is throwing a party. Didn’t Khan tell you?
“Is that where they went?”
“He didn’t tell you…did he…”
He looked like a kid who just said something he wasn’t supposed to. I laughed a little bit at how awkward he looked.
“Hey, I’m coming with you.”
“Now Syn, you may not be invited.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be a good boy,” I stated.
I knew he didn’t believe me. It didn’t matter. I didn’t believe myself.
I was coming out and I was bringing all of hell with me.